All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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