It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
