when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
