I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
