Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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