Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
