I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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