I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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