conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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