My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
