So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
