she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
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Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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