It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
