dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
