did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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