Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
