I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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