Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
did i walk over a car last night?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
