i love accidental penises.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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