Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
