he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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