I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
