i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
