please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
