The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I need water and some morals
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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