so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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