Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
