Don't you send me to vm
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You dont lie about slip and slides
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
