my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
