He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
