So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
