Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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