the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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