I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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