I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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