why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
