I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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