The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
