My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
