I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
