To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Ladies don't puke and tell
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
