My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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