life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
