I wish I could teleport
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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