so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
