Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
