it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
