I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
