I puked a lego.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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