Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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