I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
