Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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