from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
