I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
