I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
