omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
