Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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